It’s time to let go

Trying to explain to someone how you feel can be quite intimidating, and you find yourself subconsciously asking yourself if it’s even worth it. Whether they understand or not is a totally different question.

Throughout my life, I have wanted nothing more than someone who just understands. I’ve had therapy, counselling and what have you, but it just didn’t work. As someone that talks a lot, it’s almost ironic that I have trouble talking about myself and my vulnerabilities.

Instead of being open about my past, I tend to sweep it to the back of my mind and pretend it isn’t there. But, spoiler alert, it’s always there.

What I have recently learnt, is that no matter how hard you try to conceal something, it doesn’t change the underlying fact that it’s still there. So although you may have hidden the issue temporarily, it’s not permanently gone.

For over ten years now I have persistently tried to act as if things haven’t happened to me and occasionally I slip up or I let my guard down. But every action has a reaction, right?

In context, when I was 12/13 I confided for the first time in an old friend. I rang her up crying about something that had just happened and instead of helping me she told all of our mutuals that I was attention seeking and lying. In hindsight, that person was toxic to my life anyway and also what twelve-year-old is going to believe or understand the perhaps severity of what I had just said?

From that moment, I have always been reluctant to open up to friends, or anyone for that matter. It’s not that I don’t trust them or believe they’ll provide support, it’s the subconscious worry of the past repeating itself.

Of course, it’s unfair to plague these insecurities and assumptions on anyone, so instead of airing my issues out with my present-day friends, I lock them away. I’m the sort of person who puts on a very believable happy face. I hid an eating disorder for over four months until people started questioning my habits and aesthetics (greasy hair, sunken face, baggy clothes etc).

It’s those sorts of experiences that force me to not live in the past, but because I have not addressed the very things that I place to the back of my mind, I can never truly get over them.

Sometimes you just have to accept that the people in your life are not there to be agony aunts or support networks, they’re just there because they’re supposed to be there. Over the years I have let other people in, and they too have shown me reasons that some things are better unspoken. But just because a person can’t understand a situation doesn’t give them a motive to treat you how you fear.  

Between you and I, I am exhausted of pushing the same things to the back of my mind. I have very, very specific moments in my life that I simply cannot forget; and on various occasions have had terribly, vivid nightmares that like to remind me about those experiences and how I felt. No one needs to relive their past. And no one needs to relive the pain they have since moved on from. But for me, it’s not that easy.

If you know me, you know vaguely of my story and that I live with an alcoholic. 80% of my worries are imbedded in my home, 24/7. I can’t escape. I can’t act like it’s not there. I can’t really move on.

I can however move on from the past, but the issue with living with an alcoholic, is that the scenarios I’ve been through before, are likely to happen again. They say the worst kind of torture is giving someone hope and then taking it away. So for me, it’s giving me the hope of long-term sobriety and then finding him drunk. Every time I go away for a night or a weekend, I travel home with the uneasy question of what I am going home to. Sometimes my worries are justified, other times proven wrong.     

Thus a lot of my worries are placed on friends and I ultimately push people away. The fact is I’ve been so used to receiving shitty behaviour that I just accept it off others. Almost as a norm. They don’t even need to be of close relation, because I know that if someone blood-related can hurt me time and time again, that means anyone can. And because of that I assume everyone is the same and the not-so-good personality traits I have outshine the good ones.  

But now it’s time to let go.

As I said before, the people in your past who have done you wrong don’t give present-day people a motive to do the same. I think with a lot of us we are so conservative in our actions that we just keep putting walls up preventing anyone from either knowing our truths or the real versions of ourselves. 

I’ve only ever understood myself because of my past experiences. I understand my pain, I understand my history, but who am I without all of that? What happens if I let go of my worries, who will I become?

That’s the adventure I want to start. I want to reinvent myself. I don’t want to live with worries. I don’t want to just be a victim or someone who has had x, y and z. I am strong, I am happy, and I am only 23. It’s just time to let go, because letting go makes space for something better. I’m never going to move on from pain if I won’t let go of those memories.

I am lucky that I have the family that I do. I realise by writing this I somewhat make a monster of my dad; which he is wholly not. Alcohol is the monster. Addiction is the monster. My family are imperfectly perfect, and I love them with all of my heart.

If by letting go I open myself up to more hurt, then so be it. I’d rather regret risks that didn’t work for me than regret the chances I never took. As I wrote in a previous blog post, I’d rather be able to tell my grandchildren “I can’t believe I did that,” than “I wish I did that.” I don’t want to be someone who lives with the unknowns or what ifs anymore, it’s time to just do it. 

The Truth About Addiction

The girl who hangs her head over the toilet after each meal forcing herself to be sick. Is addicted.

The boy who watches porn every night. Is addicted.

The girl who runs on a treadmill every day. Is addicted.

The boy who places bets each weekend and spends most spare time in casinos. Is addicted.

The girl who uses prescription drugs even when she doesn’t need them. Is addicted.

The boy who decides cutting himself is the only method to reduce hidden pain. Is addicted.

The girl who steals things from shops and neighbours. Is addicted.

The boy who plays video games at every spare moment. Is addicted.

The girl who drinks alcohol. Is addicted.

The boy who takes opioids. Is addicted.

Stop the naivety, the judgement, the recklessness, the temporary concern and/or sympathy.

Addiction is not in the act, it’s the reliance. It’s not the enjoyment, it’s the dependence. It’s not just narcotics, it’s behavioural and impulse disorders, too.

If you’re reading the above and thinking “I do that, but I’m not addicted,” that’s the point – you might not be, but somebody else is. Somebody else relies on that thrill, that substance or that distraction; and it’s not the kind of reliance that can be stopped temporarily. It’s a mental withdrawal. You don’t get to choose whether or not your body or mind becomes dependent on something or not.

A person’s strength is not defined by the amount of weight a person can hold, but rather by how long they can hold that weight for.

Since the news of Demi Lovato’s relapse, I have read several misconceptions about addiction and I can’t sit still at the thought. When you think about all of the heightened awareness on mental health in recent years, it’s hard to comprehend a reluctance to accept or understand and assist addiction. It’s a worse thought that scientists have proven the same brain chemical imbalances that trigger depression, anxiety etc are the same imbalances that can lead to an addiction – that are sometimes genetically transferred.

My full story: click here.

I am 23. My dad has been an alcoholic for almost ten years. The only family we communicate with are those on my mum’s side, or my dad’s son and mum. The rest left. They gave up on him. They gave up on us.

Frankly, I’m lucky. Through all of the torture, the broken trust, the smashed hope, he has never been physically violent towards me nor my mum. I will never speak publicly about what – actually – goes on at home. It’s personal. I care. I love him unconditionally, he is family.

My dad is not the same person as the drunk. The person who overdoses on drugs, is not the same person sober. The person who gets carried away cutting themselves, is not the same person on the inside. The person who accidentally blows everything they own in a casino, is not the same as the person in control.

My heart breaks every time someone judges an addict. Inside that person is someone trapped within themselves. A personal prison. Everyone sympathises with those who suffer from depression because everyone (now) understands the darkness that depression can plague someone with. But what about the people who turn to alcohol to forget? Those who cut because physical pain is easier than mental? Those who run for hours to try and outrun their problems? Those who take pills to numb their pain? Do they not count?

As I have grown up I have become far more understanding of addiction. Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen it first-hand. Watching a person deteriorate and become a whole other person is one of the hardest things to process. You are at a constant war with yourself loving one half of this person and loathing the other half; but we all come with flaws, we all accept each other’s flaws, or so that’s what I was led to believe.

Last night my social feeds were plastered with opinions and several misconceptions. I bit my lip for so long but now I feel the need to speak up.

It’s as easy to come off (x) as it is to take (x) in the first place.


Your body rejects. Cold sweats, uncontrollable shaking, occasional seizures, clammy skin, indescribable headaches, severe dehydration, irritability, confusion, vomiting. There are some instances of death because of untreated withdrawal. Your hangover is nowhere near comparable.

You can stop whenever you want.


If it was that easy, everyone would be fine. Addiction is an uncontrollable desire matched with a loss of rationality. The people around you become unfamiliar and as (x) takes over, you become numb to your surroundings. It’s at that point, you lose control; of your body, your thoughts, your actions, your words, your behaviour. When your body and/or mind is physically dependent on something, it takes medication and a lot of mind coaching to become sober. Some people will be sober for years; some only a few months, or weeks.

Addiction doesn’t choose you, you choose addiction.


Just because you drank that one time, does not instantaneously mean you will be addicted to alcohol. Just because you tried weed that one time, does not mean you will become hooked to the high. Trying something does not lead to dependency. If you are reading this, you are not immune. Look to the people around you, they are not immune. Addiction blindsight’s you. It creeps up on you. You will not know when its got you under its spell. It does not discriminate. It does not care. Consequences come with everything. It’s easy to say “don’t light the cigarette,” but “don’t get in a car,” or “don’t go outside,” don’t have the same effect. There’s just as many dangers getting in a car, if not more, than there is in a taking a drag from a cigarette. Adrenaline, thrill seeking is addicting, too. Do you blame the person jumping out of the plane, or the parachute that failed to deploy?

They already have so much help.


The availability is group meetings, counselling or rehab with long waiting lists – if you’ve needed mental health help before, you know exactly how long those waiting lists can be. If they had all the help they needed, there wouldn’t be this stigma attached to them, that every addict is a cold-hearted, selfish manipulator. Or that most addicts are the people you see in city centres. It’s 2018 and if we can’t stereotype one thing, stereotyping an addict shouldn’t be an exception.

Staying with an addict, is a choice.


I wouldn’t have my dad any other way. My mum wouldn’t, either. Yes, I wish all the time that he wasn’t plagued with this addiction. I am who I am because of him. He is who is who he is and I would never change the person who he is. As mentioned, he is far different sober than drunk. It’s easy to say you’ll leave the addict, but would you leave the person trapped inside? My strength solely comes from him. I’ve watched his struggles, I’ve lived through my own, he’s been there for me through everything, I will not leave him. I’m no quitter. “Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.”  He’s got my back, I will always have his.

This article is not meant for awareness, but moreso a plea to those in a position of making a change. Stop sweeping addiction under the carpet after every warning. Celebrities shouldn’t have to be the ones that trigger the movement to act now. If you’re still reading to this point, you have surely become aware that there are children coping with this right now. They don’t have a voice. They don’t have protection. I was that child. I needed that help. I am here, not asking, but telling you they need help. Don’t wait before it’s too late.

Stop the temporary concern. Addiction is real. And it could happen to any one of us.

22 Things I would tell my younger self

“Where do you see yourself in ten years’ time?”

The age-old question an employer or teacher seems to always ask. As if we’re supposed to know. I have ambition and life direction just as anybody else does. But to predict the way my life pans out in ten years is, well, scary. I have always been terrified of the future, or more so, the unknown. So my safe answer is to be successful or well-established because you know, who doesn’t want those things? But in reality I don’t know where I see myself in ten years, frankly I don’t know where I see myself next year (apart from being midway through my Masters, of course.) I am too spontaneous for my own good to be able to answer that question truthfully. And as Wizards of Waverly Place once taught me “if it’s a guess, it’s a mess.”

I have always been more of an ‘in the moment’ kind of girl. One who doesn’t think about tomorrow, forgets what happened yesterday and focuses on what’s happening right now. And like I’ve said before, you can sit and dwell about all the negative things that have happened in your life, or you can go out and make positive memories that will outweigh them. However, there was once a time when I couldn’t see right from wrong. Once a time when everything seemed so hard that giving up almost seemed like the only option. But now I’m older and somewhat wiser, those life lessons have taught me to have no limits and stop being so safe with everything I do. There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes and once you accept that, those exact mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before.

So because of that, I compiled a list of things I would tell a younger, more vulnerable me. 22 things actually, because I am 22 and it seemed like a good idea…


2011 vs 2017

1. Stop trying to ‘fit in,’ do your own thing and embrace your individuality.

2. Mistakes aren’t the be all end all. You don’t drown by the fall, you drown by staying there; so accept the consequences and move on.

3. A life full of worry isn’t a happy life at all. Be free, let go and don’t take any bullsh*t.

4. Learn to say no. If the recipient doesn’t like it; tough.

5. Friends aren’t friends if they manipulate how you think or what you do.

6. Although caring too much isn’t a bad trait; second chances don’t allow for third and fourths.

7. Don’t let other people dictate your life. You are the only leader in your world.

8. Stop reading magazines. Comparing yourself to other people when you are beautiful in your own skin will only put you in a viscous cycle of self-analysis.

9. If you want to play sports, play sports. Break the stigma, do something different; stay happy, be yourself.

10. Nothing worth having comes easy. Sometimes you have to put in a bit of work for things to fall into place.

11. Don’t put an open box of Coco Pops on the top shelf.

12. Anxiety Disorder doesn’t last forever. Trust yourself.

13. Don’t lose sight of what you really want because of a minor set-back. Believe in yourself and have the courage to persist until you get there.

14. Make your dreams your goals. Dreams don’t become reality if you keep closing your eyes to see them.

15. Alcohol-fuelled arguments are not reason to hate the sober person.

16. Distance is just a number; the friendships and relationships you discover will make it all worth it, but make sure the effort given is equal to the effort received.

17. Stop stressing. When everything seems too hard, take a step back, relax and make time for yourself. Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company.

18. Your opinion of yourself is more precious than anyone else’s. Never change the way you are for the pleasure of someone else.

19. Don’t work for him. Know your worth; karma will come around eventually.

20. Appreciate every single person who means something to you. Life is short, don’t take any chances. You never know when they’ll be gone.

21. Stop filling yourself with doubt. Letting your inner critic take over and ask unreasonable questions will only burden your life. You are worth it.

22. The people who tell you that your dreams are stupid or unattainable are the exact people who will tell everyone else how they know you when you’ve made it. Don’t give up. Prove them wrong.

If you could go back and give your younger self some advice, what would you say?

Let’s discuss: Grid Girls

Last month I read an article on ‘being a woman who loves racing.’ It was beautifully written; as if every subconscious thought I have ever had, had been written down and compiled in a way that would educate others in understanding the way a moderate gender-gap works. This gender-gap is not substantial, but it is prominent. It was prominent enough to warrant David Coulthard in stating his beliefs of women racers, or should I say lack of. Prominent enough for the former Formula 1 driver to say women aren’t as brutal as men because of their ‘mothering gene.’ (I dare him to direct that comment at Nicola Adams and see what happens.) It was prominent enough for Bernie Ecclestone to claim “women racers wouldn’t be taken seriously,” and for Sir Stirling Moss to voice his two cents.

We are not defined by gender. We are not defined by our age, or by our skin colour. We are not defined by where we come from, or what we believe in. We are not defined by the way that we look at the world, or for how we treat it. We are human. Humans with goals and ambitions, just as anyone else. And there’s a way to talk to other humans and a way to respect other humans; that undermining their ability, is factually wrong.

This argument is not about racers, however. That argument ended once we stopped asking if and started asking when; enter Tatiana Calderon, Sophia Floresch, Jamie Chadwick, Simona de Silvestro and Marta Garcia. When, could be sooner than you think.

The reason I mentioned the previous article, is because it sparked an attack on to remove a photo album titled ‘Paddock Beauties.’ I don’t have a problem with grid girls. I can admire an attractive person, regardless of their gender. In fact, if I looked like – or had the body to be – a grid girl, then I would be one. Why not? The problem I had with this album is it did not just have grid girls, it had engineers, team personnel, circuit administrators and all sorts. As I said, I can appreciate an attractive person. I’m sure after seeing themselves in an album titled ‘Paddock Beauties’ they were flattered; but unlike grid girls, these girls haven’t signed up to a job to be judged aesthetically. So I agree with the notion to take them out, especially when the likes of Adrian Newey and Chase Carey feature in the generic albums; are they not ‘Paddock Beauties’ or what people believe ‘Paddock Beauties’ to be? Why does beauty, in this case, have to be gender specific?

All over twitter it spread; both the article and the petition. It went ‘viral’ as they say, and it did so within reason. Albeit (in my opinion) marginal reason. Grid girls are outdated. They are old-fashioned. Is there a need for them? Perhaps not. But is it any different from the girls in tight lycra at boxing matches or walk-on girls at darts tournaments, or how about the ‘flower girls’ at the Olympics? Sport is a spectacle. It is entertainment as well as a competition. It is important to cater to both areas or it becomes flat. Football is an exception because it’s fuelled by fierce rivalry and ‘hooliganism.’ Formula 1 however, has always fallen slave to ‘glitz and glamour’ – it’s why James Hunt was and is so popular. Because let’s be serious, out of all the World Champions F1 has had, is he the best one? Debatable. But he brought mass attention to a sport that had death lingering at every corner. He was a ‘celebrity’ whereas the others were just drivers. A bit like Lewis Hamilton. Had an F1 driver ever been to the Oscars and been as high profile as Hamilton before?

Grid girls are brought to Grands Prix via their agencies. An agency chosen by FOM or by the circuit informs all of its models of a potential job and they sign up to do it – just as you or I would for a job we desire. It’s a models dream to be scouted, to be headhunted – to be chosen. To work at a Grand Prix probably seems like a once in a lifetime experience – I too would grab it with both hands. But it’s their job to turn up and do what is required, not mine. Whether it be standing at a grid slot, clapping in the cool down room or even working in hospitality. It’s luck of the draw. But that doesn’t make them any less of a person.

In January, the NEC in Birmingham held the annual Autosport Show. If any of you reading this went, you perhaps might remember that opposite the F1 Racing Stand was the Azerbaijan Grand Prix booth. They were holding a competition to visit Baku for the GP and the people walking around the venue with the tablets for you to enter – were models, too. They weren’t wearing skimpy clothes or anything ostentatious (yes Pirelli, I am looking at you,) just white and purple polo shirts with jeans. I only know this because I recognised two of the girls walking around. They were on a programme called Britain’s Next Top Model and were in the final five. Funny, because one of the two girls I was routing for and was extremely peeved when she was sent home. But it just goes to show, that you can sign up to anything that your agency sends out but what you do and how you look is not down to the model, but down to the employer. Don’t shout at grid girls, shout at the circuit. Don’t look down on someone for doing their job – they are earning money to live just like the rest of us.

Grid girls do no harm. And if I’m being strictly honest and to-the-point for just a second, I think that if you are getting annoyed by a grid girl and believe she is being exploited (for something she signed up – and is paid to do) then you are easily offended. At no point is a grid girl asking for attention or scrutiny. Yes it’s old fashioned and yes it’s not really relevant in this day and age – but the agro that’s surfaced since the album got taken down is baffling. I’m basically dragging out that I don’t care what they do, it makes no difference to my viewing. I have watched F1 for what must be 10 years now and I can happily say that this year is already shaping up to be the best season I have ever watched – and we’re only two races in. We have a huge title fight on our hands, two teams gunning for it, two proven World Champions gunning for it and yet we’re sat moaning about grid girls. What a palaver.

What do you think?

Why Michael Schumacher is the villain we all love

Michael Schumacher. Perhaps one of the most distinguished names in sport, let alone Formula 1. You know who he is. You know what he did. You know the legacy he left behind. The undisputed king of F1.

Dressed from head to toe in red and arrogance oozing from within. Those were the glory days. The days when Schumacher was a household name, headlining newspapers internationally every fortnight, rewriting the record books. Make that how you remember him; though angel, he was not.

Schumacher had a presence. Similar to Ayrton Senna in that respect. That if you were to challenge his position, you must be prepared to face the consequences. Because in his mind ‘winners never quit and quitters never win.’

A cold-blooded risk taker whose only ambition was to win. Dangerous, yes. Ruthless, yes. But, did it work? Absolutely.

Seven times world champion, two with Benetton, five with Ferrari but all with Technical Director Ross Brawn. An unrivalled partnership that led the pair to 91 race wins and a staggering 155 podiums. Together they became the reference point, the benchmark, if you will.

Televised sport has a somewhat need for over-dramatising incidents. To be pantomime-esque and provide a talking point. The need for a good guy and a bad guy. Schumacher was the worst guy, getting under the skin of all other competitors and making it very apparent that he was not to be trifled with. Every action had an excuse yet nothing ever took away his determination.

Strip it all down and what’s left is a human being inspired by success, taking to the extreme to ensure he gets it. That time you cheated at Heads Down Thumbs Up staring at the person’s shoes, that’s your inner-competitiveness shining through. When football players dive in the penalty box. It’s an adrenaline boost so uncontrollable and so unethical, yet the gain is bigger than the loss.

Away from the racetrack, is a different story. After the tsunami’s that struck Asia in 2005, he donated $10m to Relief Aid. He founded ICM, the brain and spine institute and is an ambassador for the FIA’s Action for Road Safety and UNESCO amongst others.

Cheating is not what defines Michael Schumacher. It is a part of who he was inside the helmet. But there are multiple sides to a dice. One time it may be a split-second misjudgement, the next a purposeful manoeuvre and so on. The unpredictable driving style. The win-at-all-costs mentality. That’s what defines Schumacher. Let the statistics do the talking and the driving colour your screens.

Take him or leave him. He’s the villain you can’t help but love and admire.

Do take out eleven minutes of your time to watch this fan-made video. Tissues at the ready…


Not everything is how it seems

“Take a before and after picture,” He said as I got up ready to leave the consultation. “When this is all just a memory, you’ll realise just how strong you are.”

Strong; adjective; having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks / able to withstand force, pressure, or wear.

We often confuse strength with power, that to be strong you must have enormous muscles and go to the gym almost every day. But strength isn’t about the weight you can carry, but rather for how long for.

However, there is a stigma.

That people with mental health problems shouldn’t speak up about their struggles because it’s a sign of weakness. But it takes a lot of strength to hold your own body let alone face the world. The weakness is not within the people who suffer, but within the people who believe in the stigma.

My story is somewhat different.

The bathroom became my bedroom, my pyjamas became my everyday clothes, my hair was in a ponytail, my makeup none existent. I kept quiet. I hid under my clothes. I distanced myself from the people who knew that something was wrong. I was stressed. Unhappy. I couldn’t walk. So frail. So weak. So lost.

We are midway through November and yet this last year has been the worst and the best of my life. I say that because at the start of the year and the first six months or so, I was the above paragraph. I stopped being myself.

I was diagnosed with EDNOS [eating disorder not otherwise specified] in February. I had an anorexic body but not an anorexic mind; my problems were caused by pain and stress rather than anything else. I was not in control of my weight loss. I wasn’t doing it on purpose. I wasn’t aware and thus was totally blind sighted by it all until it was too late.

“Stand on the scales please” my doctor said as I walked into the room. “You look dangerously thin, have you been eating?” Before I could even answer, she had clocked the digits on the scales and begun to ring the receptionist to book an urgent consultation with an eating disorder clinic.

What I have missed out is that I had been collapsing; that’s why I had gone to the doctors in the first place. Suspected hypotension (low blood pressure). Which although true and is something I suffer from, was not the apparent issue.

I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to be made out to be a liar and I certainly couldn’t deal with yet more stress. So I bought smaller clothes, wore that good ol’ fake smile and decided to bite the bullet.

I steadily returned back to University, did some work experience at an F1 team and travelled to Paris. Casual, right? What I had realised, is that there were only so many seasons of Pretty Little Liars and once I was caught up I couldn’t just do the same thing every day.

Although I was not in control, I made it my priority to be in control. Don’t let anyone else, or whatever else, try to dictate your life. What you see in the mirror and what someone else see’s is only down to perception. Don’t let someone else’s opinion change your reality – if the sky is the limit, wave at them when you’re dancing on the moon.

Remember, strength is not what you hold, but how long you hold it. To prove it? I did just as I was told to in the first six words of this post.


If you are reading this and suffer from any kind of mental illness, just know that you’re not alone. It’s not weak of you to need help, it’s brave of you to even bring it up. It’s not a weakness and it’s not embarrassing. Stop trying to be like everyone else, accept who you are and love the person who looks back at you in the mirror.

Never be afraid or ashamed of who you are. Be proud of yourself and never stop believing because the rest will fall into place. Those who underestimate you are the ones who don’t know what you are capable of. It’s not a question of if you will beat it, it’s when.

Start writing your next chapter.

An open letter to any girl that wants to work in motorsport

To ______,

If you want to do something, that isn’t what someone else thinks is right. Do it anyway. Take the risk. Because if you don’t, you’ll live the rest of your life asking questions that you would otherwise be answering for yourself.

Stop hesitating, stop doubting, stop comparing.

I never had someone encouraging me. Never had someone telling me to do whatever I wanted. I was always living this structured life that all of your school teachers advise you to live and instead of having them inspire you in doing whatever you want, you have them telling you to do something the way a book says. But, life is not a book. It doesn’t always have a happy ending, not everyone sticks around until the end, good people and bad people are hard to identify and you never know what can happen.

But what will happen is entirely based upon what you do right now. So that pause, that hesitation, will define what happens to your future.

I parted ways with a former employer a few months ago. I was drained. I was exhausted every single day, of every single week. I was keeping secrets. I was put in the middle. I was put in a position that made me the most uncomfortable I have ever been.

What I thought was a good opportunity, was one of the worst jobs and one of the worst experiences of my life. But it took me so long to admit to myself that I was unhappy because I was doing what I wanted and if I’m being completely honest, it still makes me uneasy today.

Not everything you do will be positive. You somewhat need these types of experiences to learn. Perhaps not to the extent of what me and my former colleagues dealt with. You do however need times that are rough because it’s how you develop your personality. It’s how you build your strength and how you understand your weaknesses.

I learnt that sun-cream in foreign countries – for me – is ineffective.

On the flip side, you will find people that you consider friends just as troublesome. For example, days ago I had someone claim I only spoke to them because they worked for a national sports broadcaster. He mistook my genuine friendliness for flirtation. Which I have to admit, is becoming a common trait – which is rather sad.

To quote said person: “I’m just saying. You want to know me when you think it’s useful. Rest of the time, you can’t be arsed,” which was followed by “If I didn’t have the job I did you wouldn’t have even given me the time of day.”

Not that I feel the need to defend myself, but as few of my friends will be able to confirm, this is wholly inaccurate.

I always get comments like “you don’t seem like the type of girl to like motorsport.” Can you imagine their reaction when I tell them I play football, too? It’s because there’s still this ideology [big or small] that girls and boys have to do different things, whether we want to admit that or not. There’s a reluctance to fully accept gender equality. Though admittedly, this doesn’t apply to everyone.

My advice? Prove them wrong. Show them why you should be considered just as anyone else. Be the person that inside you know you are. When you’re 80-years-old and chatting away to your grandchildren, it’ll be so much better to say “I can’t believe I did that,” than “I wish I did that.”

Had I not quit college – I would not be in University. I would not have met half of the people that I have. I would not have travelled. I would not be doing what I’m doing now. I would not be fulfilling the person I am or the life that I want.

This whole “the heart wants what the heart wants” quote doesn’t just relate to your love life. It represents you. If you’re not being yourself, then who are you? You can dream big, but live your life bigger. Not everything you want happens when you close your eyes. So go out and get it because hard work pays off. It isn’t instantaneous, but everything happens for a reason. If it’s not this time it’s because something better is waiting for you, you just haven’t noticed.

The most important thing is that people are going to love you, hate you, be unsure about you; but make sure that they spell your name right.  Because then, either way, you win.

From Kate x